Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
