I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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