if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
