The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
