Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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