i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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