OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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