i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
