she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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