btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
