I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's Friday. Sex?
Can Purell be used as lube?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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