I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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