I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
