I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize