as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
