My Higher Power is John Stamos
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Randomize
