where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
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Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
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antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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