I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
only if we run a train.
done.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just gargled with NyQuil
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
