I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
