I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
