all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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