my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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