Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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