Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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