I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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