There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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