Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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