so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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