Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
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