You're completely useless in the revolution.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
