i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
