I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
The Olympian is in my bed
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize