She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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