Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Randomize
