I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
