Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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