I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
