"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
