You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
