So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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