I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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