Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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