My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
