i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
