from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
