you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
