there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Randomize
