There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
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Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
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I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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