foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
