i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
