Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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