if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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