Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
