Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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